Validation

I know you're going to read this - and that's a big reason as to why I am going to say it - I am afraid to say it to you...I am afraid that you will take it all the wrong way...and that you still won't understand who I am...if i say it this way - i don't have to hear your criticism....


What do I value? What do I want? What is me?

These questions keep running through my head. I stand in front of you with weakness in my eyes as I cry and tell you that I love you. But these questions run through my head. I really don't know what I want.

You seem so different now. The way that you toss me aside...the way that you are not sure about what you want anymore...You used to be so sure about me, so sure about us...Even when we were deciding to break up temporarily you stayed sure of us...for so long

Then you realized that you had other options - and i guess i started to not look so good anymore - and you lost sight of me.

I feel so inadequate now when I stand in front of you. I feel like whatever I do will not be enough to get you back to where we were - or even to consider what we had before and if we could possibly have it again.

Do I want to do this? This isn't me...
Why can't you want me? What is this saying to me?
I want someone who cherishes me ... like you used to
I want someone who wants to share every moment with me ... like you used to
I want someone who listens to me ... like you used to
I want someone who cares ... like you used to

You aren't who you used to be. The way you look at me is not the same, the way that your body feels next to mine isn't the same, the look in your eyes when you talk about your life...isn't the same

I don't know if I can wait. I don't know if I can hold onto something that resists me.

When I asked you if you wanted to check out the landmark forum you accused me of just wanting to make you want to be with me. That hurt.
You insinuate that I don't care about you as a person...that I don't care about you as someone who I value and that I want you to have meaningful relationships with...for all I know that experience could show you that you don't want to be with me...I want your relationships to be amazing...that's all I want

You compare me to what she says...you hang on her words...that hurts me - that makes me angry - you lied to me about her - how can i trust you with her now? - i wonder what else you feel you need to hide...
You are playing the games you accuse me of...

I am on such a rollercoaster - up and down - tears to fear - hate to love - happiness to sadness...

But I hang on what you will say - I search your eyes for validation...why?

Who can tell me...what should I do now?