I am struggling with this one and unsure of where to go from here. I am feeling that there is someone out there who is intentionally sabotaging me and I am allowing this to make me feeling hurt, angry, and disempowered....this is NOT me! I can only think that this is the intent of the individual whose actions are in question. Despite having an awareness of this situation I am unsure of how to proceed as it is a delicate matter. Do I confront this individual and if so, in what way do I go about that? I understand that I cannot ignore this situation any longer as I have been up to this point. Ignorance is not the appropriate response in that it has allowed the situation to continue and to escalate to the point that it is very convoluted now and there are several people involved.
One of my greatest struggles personally in all of this is that this type of situation is not the way that I would ever choose to operate in my life. There is no room in my life for cattiness, malicious behavior, deceitfulness, and actions that take place due to insecurity. Therefore, I find myself at a loss as to how to navigate this. I have always responded quickly to issues that I have with honesty and complete openness and compassion and I take my time to consider all sides and accept as much responsibility as I can for the situation that I am in.
In this particular situation the person and I have a history that stems back a few years and I have reason to suspect, based off of information that I have received from other people, that this person is holding a grudge and reacting today from issues that happened a few years ago. I find that ridiculous and annoying. I find that I am having difficulty moving past feeling that way and getting into a space of love and acceptance for this persons personal challenges and self-esteem issues.
ARGH!
I am just so frustrated.
I am having such a difficult time moving past this negative feeling. I don't want it!!!
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Stuck
I need help. Emotional help. I feel so lost and unsure of myself these days. I feel like I am constantly assessing my situation and wondering how I can 'escape.' I just want to escape. I feel off...uncentered...out of touch...scared...anxious...depressed...GAHH!...and despite my knowledge of health, I feel unable to make a change....reluctant to make a change...stuck.
I want it all to be different some how. It's now how I want it to be. I have been given advice to look at where I would like to be and work back through and identify the steps it would take to get there. I don't want to do the work. That's what it comes down to. I don't want to put in the effort. How do I get out of this slump?!
I want it all to be different some how. It's now how I want it to be. I have been given advice to look at where I would like to be and work back through and identify the steps it would take to get there. I don't want to do the work. That's what it comes down to. I don't want to put in the effort. How do I get out of this slump?!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Sea Rhythm
in the sky
sweaty haze of exertion
tinted orange
sun setting across
the horizon never-ending
we are alone here
sand between toes
the water's edge curving
against the outline of our bodies
fingers tracing
beads of water
sliding over the side
your warmth pressing into mine
we're silent in our love
making promises with our
breath hot against
the cool return of the soft
surface where we tumble
in the water
pulling us deeper
washing us clean
with each surge and recession
the scent of the sea
on your lips
running over my ankles
knees and hips
moving against the tide
in a constant rhythm
cleansing our souls
sweaty haze of exertion
tinted orange
sun setting across
the horizon never-ending
we are alone here
sand between toes
the water's edge curving
against the outline of our bodies
fingers tracing
beads of water
sliding over the side
your warmth pressing into mine
we're silent in our love
making promises with our
breath hot against
the cool return of the soft
surface where we tumble
in the water
pulling us deeper
washing us clean
with each surge and recession
the scent of the sea
on your lips
running over my ankles
knees and hips
moving against the tide
in a constant rhythm
cleansing our souls
Sunday, December 13, 2009
God, I love you.
If I would've known before
What I know now
I could have waited
Would have
And here we are
God, I love you.
Did you know
You make my heart
Full of love
Beating hard against
Your chest close to mine
Lips on lips
God, I love you.
You are perfection
In human form
You stand across the wire
And i can't help but admire
All that you encourage me
To feel so effortlessly
Head over heels
As we tumble tumble tumble
In the sheets of music
Our love makes
God, I love you.
What I know now
I could have waited
Would have
And here we are
God, I love you.
Did you know
You make my heart
Full of love
Beating hard against
Your chest close to mine
Lips on lips
God, I love you.
You are perfection
In human form
You stand across the wire
And i can't help but admire
All that you encourage me
To feel so effortlessly
Head over heels
As we tumble tumble tumble
In the sheets of music
Our love makes
God, I love you.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
How do you teach your heart to fall in love again?
it seems that each one after him has been an imposter...that in some ways i am 'replacing' him with them. they lay there...next to me...in his spot...and they play the role well....their impersonations of someone i could love are flawless....oscar winning performances
it's not that i think about him so specifically..in fact, he never really occurs to me until moments like now...where i am alone with myself for awhile and i can ponder what it is that i am truly feeling.....and i realize, it's not even him that i'm mourning or feeling is being shadowed...but really just my ability to allow anything like him to ever exist in my heart again.
the motions are easy...the sweet kisses are still cherished...the carressing hands are still felt and appreciated...the connected looks are real...it's real and i feel it....but i don't know that it can ever be what we had again...
how do i express this, and accept this, and have this be ok? or...how do i get that back?
am i making sense here?
it's not that i think about him so specifically..in fact, he never really occurs to me until moments like now...where i am alone with myself for awhile and i can ponder what it is that i am truly feeling.....and i realize, it's not even him that i'm mourning or feeling is being shadowed...but really just my ability to allow anything like him to ever exist in my heart again.
the motions are easy...the sweet kisses are still cherished...the carressing hands are still felt and appreciated...the connected looks are real...it's real and i feel it....but i don't know that it can ever be what we had again...
how do i express this, and accept this, and have this be ok? or...how do i get that back?
am i making sense here?
Monday, September 07, 2009
I will...
A glimpse into my life is startling for a minute...the constant overdrive.
My inability to take a breath and step back from myself is exhausting. I'm in a perpetual stumbling tumble...careening out of control down a hill of confusion...searching for something to stop my reckless fall...something to be there to halt this insanity that keeps growing...the building crescendo making my body tremble and rock in a dissonant rhythm.
But all you hear is silence.
Somewhere in amidst all of this I am conscious of my own responsibility to this....but the helplessness...the feeling that it's just grown to be 'too much' is smothering the blaze and the need for it all to halt.
One person...another...and yet another...all pulled into the tangled web of my own delirious reality.
He doesn't see me because he's too worried about himself
He doesn't care because I'm expendable like a piece of tissue paper he uses several times a day
To him...I'm just a fuck
To him....the love of his life that he'll just never be able to have because if I always stay 10 feet away maybe he can preserve my angelic halo
My ex-husband: The epitome of destruction and tragic ruin
The way that he acts innocent to the pain that I am in...pointing at me with a confused expression as I writhe on the floor, convulsing. It doesn't even occur to him to slip his hand beneath my head as it cracks repeatedly against the cement floor....he just stands and watches in disbelief.
His role in this is minor, in the scheme of things...but in this moment of admission I find him severely to blame for pushing me over the edge.
His silence in my screaming tumble...his looks of disbelief at how I react to his transgressions...his expectation of me to roll over, presenting a fresh side to beat...and most importantly, the same expectation of myself that was repeatedly fulfilled.
And within this internal war I realize there is nothing external on which to rely to stop all of this. There are no hands reaching between the cracks to pull me back...out.
Perhaps, somewhere along the line, I will:
My inability to take a breath and step back from myself is exhausting. I'm in a perpetual stumbling tumble...careening out of control down a hill of confusion...searching for something to stop my reckless fall...something to be there to halt this insanity that keeps growing...the building crescendo making my body tremble and rock in a dissonant rhythm.
But all you hear is silence.
Somewhere in amidst all of this I am conscious of my own responsibility to this....but the helplessness...the feeling that it's just grown to be 'too much' is smothering the blaze and the need for it all to halt.
One person...another...and yet another...all pulled into the tangled web of my own delirious reality.
He doesn't see me because he's too worried about himself
He doesn't care because I'm expendable like a piece of tissue paper he uses several times a day
To him...I'm just a fuck
To him....the love of his life that he'll just never be able to have because if I always stay 10 feet away maybe he can preserve my angelic halo
My ex-husband: The epitome of destruction and tragic ruin
The way that he acts innocent to the pain that I am in...pointing at me with a confused expression as I writhe on the floor, convulsing. It doesn't even occur to him to slip his hand beneath my head as it cracks repeatedly against the cement floor....he just stands and watches in disbelief.
His role in this is minor, in the scheme of things...but in this moment of admission I find him severely to blame for pushing me over the edge.
His silence in my screaming tumble...his looks of disbelief at how I react to his transgressions...his expectation of me to roll over, presenting a fresh side to beat...and most importantly, the same expectation of myself that was repeatedly fulfilled.
And within this internal war I realize there is nothing external on which to rely to stop all of this. There are no hands reaching between the cracks to pull me back...out.
Perhaps, somewhere along the line, I will:
Friday, September 04, 2009
unfinished
We are dancing ten feet off the ground
Laughing and tossing our hair around
The leaves are changing, falling, swirling at our feet. A sea of gold, rustling softly like whispered breath through a dewy haze.
Your smile clears this cluttered space
between my heart and yours.
Laughing and tossing our hair around
The leaves are changing, falling, swirling at our feet. A sea of gold, rustling softly like whispered breath through a dewy haze.
Your smile clears this cluttered space
between my heart and yours.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
