I will...

A glimpse into my life is startling for a minute...the constant overdrive.
My inability to take a breath and step back from myself is exhausting. I'm in a perpetual stumbling tumble...careening out of control down a hill of confusion...searching for something to stop my reckless fall...something to be there to halt this insanity that keeps growing...the building crescendo making my body tremble and rock in a dissonant rhythm.

But all you hear is silence.

Somewhere in amidst all of this I am conscious of my own responsibility to this....but the helplessness...the feeling that it's just grown to be 'too much' is smothering the blaze and the need for it all to halt.

One person...another...and yet another...all pulled into the tangled web of my own delirious reality.
He doesn't see me because he's too worried about himself
He doesn't care because I'm expendable like a piece of tissue paper he uses several times a day
To him...I'm just a fuck
To him....the love of his life that he'll just never be able to have because if I always stay 10 feet away maybe he can preserve my angelic halo

My ex-husband: The epitome of destruction and tragic ruin
The way that he acts innocent to the pain that I am in...pointing at me with a confused expression as I writhe on the floor, convulsing. It doesn't even occur to him to slip his hand beneath my head as it cracks repeatedly against the cement floor....he just stands and watches in disbelief.
His role in this is minor, in the scheme of things...but in this moment of admission I find him severely to blame for pushing me over the edge.
His silence in my screaming tumble...his looks of disbelief at how I react to his transgressions...his expectation of me to roll over, presenting a fresh side to beat...and most importantly, the same expectation of myself that was repeatedly fulfilled.

And within this internal war I realize there is nothing external on which to rely to stop all of this. There are no hands reaching between the cracks to pull me back...out.

Perhaps, somewhere along the line, I will: