Musings of a Trapeze Artist...without a safety net

I could tell the story...but with or without it...the truth is, something happened..things keep happening...and, ultimately, i've got to own up...i'm in control here

no matter the consequence, the decision was made a long time ago...at this point, it's just about follow through

interestingly...i have little trouble with this in other areas of my life.
i see it, i do it, it's done...but not here.

my reluctance means nothing except that i'm not strong enough to make the leap...too worried about the presence of a safety net?....no...actually, it's more about how it will look

but, when will i realize that this is so meaningless in the long run?

each experience there is a lesson to be learned...if you choose to accept it

when Adam and I broke up in 2001...i remember feeling similarly...and then again in 2004 with Kurt...this 'scaredness' of what it meant to split up...
and a slight fear of what it meant to be 'alone'
hard to let go of the normal routine
accept that things had to change now
and realizing that there were more people involved and that i'd have to 'let them go'

but now, years later....as i reflect...i made it through...essentially unscathed

this was a big step, though. to say 'i do'...to say 'forever'...and after less than a year...to say 'goodbye'

but my heart is empty now with what was once so intense...been gone since February...and i can keep reliving this...and i can keep looking in his eyes and wonder if i could see it again...but when i look...i don't recognize anything...and i know that it will never be what it once was ever again

it feels so disconnected that i can't stand it...that's why i linger...punishment

but it's long gone

long
long
long
gone