Admissions

I left yesterday...in two hours the material contents of my life were transferred to a new place.
I don't think I had an expectation of how I would feel...but, reflecting on the whole situation...I find it a little strange how calm and settled I am about the whole thing.
The drama was starting to wear me down...my nervous system, already taxed from classes and clinic, was on hyper-overdrive and I had the sense that there wasn't much more space left before I blew a gasket...

So, that part is done...and we're better for it...

What's most difficult now is knowing that I won't see my 'kids' anymore...when I was saying goodbye to my puppy, Loki, he was freaking out....licking me like crazy and sitting on my lap as if to say 'stay here, you're not leaving'...but I was already gone...and that hurts right now

A few people have remarked on my strength in this situation...but I don't sense that about myself. It's more...doing what needs to be done and rolling with the punches.
It wasn't hard to leave...i've been gone emotionally for quite some time now...but it was/is hard to accept the change...and I found myself repeating as I looked at the space one more time before shutting the door "this is ok, this is ok, this is ok, this is ok, this is ok"...it wasn't about convincing myself...but reminding myself that I have support..from myself.

I'm excited about the idea of this being 'over'...in the way that I will be able to get back to "me" and feel good about who I am and what I'm doing. For the last 4 months I have felt disconnected from myself...because being present all of the time was too difficult. Sure...I had fleeting moments of presentness...but it hurt a lot and I couldn't admit how I was 'really feeling' to too many people.

But it's time to be out in the open...and admit this fully to myself

Frederic and I are done...