Worth It

Coldplay plugs my ears. The tunes are tricking around my head and provoking this verbage. To get to this space I must hear music. A theme for the moment.

Coldplay -Why does it always rain on me?...
"i can't sleep tonight...everybody saying everything is alright...but i still can't close my eyes...i can see the end of the tunnel in all this light."

It has come to my attention that I have been on auto-pilot for awhile now. Experiencing but not understanding or comprehending my experience. I feel lost in this cycle of destruction that I have created around me. Yet, fleeting moments of clarity keep me sane.
And while I am sure that this is not the worst that it could ever be...it hurts pretty bad.

I want so badly for things to feel good that I will trample the beautiful flowers just to get to the space beyond. Stop and smell the roses? Not me....
But is this me? Who am I?...it's terrifying that i don't know...that I feel like i'm hanging on the ledge here...

It's hard to accept that life isn't what you thought. But I can only live in that realization for a moment before the drama becomes silly and I move on...but it's on repeat...replay...and it keeps coming up. What's the lesson I'm not learning here?

I want to take some time in the woods. I feel nature will cleanse this sense of despair...wash away my sorrows, sins and succotash.

Coldplay - in my place

in my place in my place with lines that i couldn't change
i was lost oh yeah
and i was lost i was lost cross lines i shouldn't have crossed
i was lost oh yeah

yeah how long must you wait for you
how long must you pay for it
yeah
how long must you wait for it oh for it

i was scared i was scared and tired and underprepared
but i wait for it
if you go if you go and leave me down here on my own
then i'll wait for you yeah

yeah how long must you wait for it
yeah how long must you pay for it
yeah how long must you wait for it oh for it

singing please come back and sing to me
come on and sing it out now now now
come on and sing it out to me
yeah come back and sing it

in my place in my place
with lines that i couldn't change
i was lost oh yeah
oh yeah

Then there was Tori Amos - a kindred spirit
I've been look for a savior in these dirty streets
I've been looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands drive another nail in
Just what God needs....another victim

And then the raspy breath of Precious Things begins
--- so i ran faster but it caught me here.
yes my loyalty is turned, like my anger
You said 'you're really an ugly girl but i like the way you play'

I want to feel some sense of purpose in this relationship to myself.
All hats off....I want to access myself again. No more destructive behavior. No more mindlessness. I will not accept anything less than amazing for myself.