Rememberance

If I only remember the way you smiled when you saw the clothes

that might get me through.

The way you put them on when I was there

to show me how much you liked them

You tried to write me poetry

struggling to get the pen to work in concert with your brain

frustrated but determined

struggling to get out while trapped inside

And you pleaded to be let go

so you’re gone now…

And I can’t help but feel devastated

its’ not like you could have been around forever

but just one more day?

I don’t think I’ll ever understand the finality of it all

that I can’t touch you anymore

that I can’t call anymore

and I don’t want to delete you from my phone

it’s not that I called that often anyway

but I could’ve

…I could have

And I want to right now

to hear you smile through the phone

and laugh at my stories

and tell me that you love me very much…muah

You knew that you wouldn’t be there anymore

your silence said it all

and I knew you were struggling to be happy for me

and I wanted so much to make it better for you

to take you away from that situation

but not away from this earth.

It’s selfish of me to want to keep you here

so that I wouldn’t have to feel this?...

I can’t believe you’re gone

no more summers at Gram’s

the way the milk collected at the corners of your mouth

when you ate your soggy cornflakes with blueberries

the way you reached into your purse for your wallet

the lipstick you put on when we came over…

I want you back Gram

I want to kiss your cheek

hear your voice

…I love you very much