and so it is...

it feels so lonely here
i'm pretty sure if the walls fell in, no one would notice for a few days

i'm so suffocated i can't even discern my own cries for help
how can i selfishly expect others to notice?

just keep on smiling

i say - i'm lonely...and it makes me feel like punching a wall
i say - i'm depressed..and i want to crawl and hide from the reverberating boom of that admission

fuck

i just want to feel some purpose

its not that i need hands to touch me - but that's what i seek
it's not that i need to hear someone's voice - but the sound of this heavy silence makes me weep

it's that i don't know what i need - i don't know where i am...and i don't know what to say or who to say it to...to make it all go away

the day is gone now...i've been in this bed - under these sheets - staring at this screen....the night has fallen - the sounds have hushed....there's so much that could've been done but i sat here...through it all...and i cried, and i screamed...and i didn't listen...i lost touch as much as i could because being present only hurts that much more

and then i came here...to seek solace...but am only finding more tears and deeper i go

and i start to curse other people - and blame them for this predicament...how can they not tell? can't they hear it in my voice? can't they see it in my face? can't they feel it in my silent pleas?...over text, email, voice message....am i that invisible?

so i'll eat the pain away...greasy, sweety, white flour, high fructose corn syrup...drowning in this nonexistent pain...in this inexplicably raw ache