Appreciation for the Past, Present and Future

I was having a conversation with my dear friend, Kathy last night and realized some things about how I have been feeling lately.
It's interesting how I do that...talk through my feelings - It seems that more often than not when something is lingering below the surface and is kind of in the back of my head for a few days...all I really need to do is talk it out with someone and 'voila!' I arrive at the issue.

So - I was talking with Kathy about how ever since I saw Kurt the other day I have not been able to get him out of my head. The way that I felt when I saw him has thrown me off and thoughts of him and memories keep popping up in what seem to be the most random moments and at the weirdest times.
And it has been bothering me in a way - that I was having these thoughts...but then last night I realized that they are really the thoughts that I have been wanting to have for quite awhile now.

You see - there were months...over a year...where thoughts of Kurt made me angry, sad or just plain depressed. When I thought about the way that things ended with us..the way that he 'saw' me or the way that I saw myself in his eyes. In fact, the last time that I saw him before last weekend I remember feeling angry, nervous and sad all at the same time. And hating those emotions being part of my relationship to him...
But this time...I felt calm, happy and centered. It was really good to see him. And these thoughts that I have been having about him make me happy too.
I am not reminiscing or wishing I could go back...but I am being reminded of all of the good times that we had together.
For example: I was sitting in class the other day and remembered a random memory of Kurt and I driving to Minnesota when we lived in Dubuque just to buy some Now and Laters. I laughed out loud at the absurdity. Or the time that we went to adventureland and he was scared of the rollercoaster. Or the nights we would eat pizza and watch movies. Or the first summer we were together and he taught me how to work out. When he taught me how to drive a stick shift (or I should say 'times'). When he fell asleep with me on the floor of the computer room around the time I graduated High School and when I had mono. There are SO MANY more...that keep running though my head...and it feels really good to think about.

I guess you could say that I am at a point where I am appreciating all of it. The experience...who I am today because of it. How all of the 'trivial things' add into the big picture and how all of those things make me smile, laugh and feel good.

I don't know that Kurt shares in this ability to look at things the way I see them. From his angle he was the one that suffered and has more healing to go through. I don't deny this. We all choose the process of healing...I respect his choice in that.

There have been moments in memories where I wanted to call him - to ask him, laugh with him...but I know we aren't there...maybe we never will be.

I guess you could say that over the last couple of days I have come to appreciate Kurt in a way that I never have before. See him in a way that I was never able to before.

My heart is filled with love and light for him and all that he has contributed to my life. I have always known that he is an amazing person - I am so happy that I can fully appreciate that in this moment!