Mishapen

Do you ever feel like you just want to be touched? Not touched in a literal way - not a physical touch ... but touched emotionally.

Do you ever want to feel something because life seems so unreal that the 'touch' would make life seem real again? A reality check - a confirmation - an acknowledgement.

What a day - what a day.

All of my old tactics are back - as soon as I walked into this house...into this town. I am struggling to get back to where I was before I got in my car Saturday morning.

Eating...and eating...to feel good about where I am. To get that release of hormones to make me 'feel good'...but feeling like crap instead.
Don't even begin to feel sorry for me - or pity me - or look down on me....in fact, spare me your judgement and ideas about what it 'means' about me.

Maybe my search for emotional availability is my attempt to get rid of this feeling of unfeeling.
I keep listening to the same damn depressing songs - just to cry...just to feel SOMETHING

FUCK

Funny thing is - I see right through this funk...that I've created it..and can be over it. But then...I just can't seem to find the willpower to get over the hump.

I said that I was going to work out the whole time I was home...but as I turned over in bed at 11:30 this morning..I realized my 'first day' was already gone...that I was never going to get to the gym. And when 4:30 rolled around, the only reason I left the house was because my dad needed something from home and Bill called to hang out for awhile.
But as I sat there at Bill's...I just wanted to go back home...crawl back onto the couch with my dad's fudge close by and zone out on the television for hours....
Which I did....at 7:30...until now

Wow, how predictable I am...my patterns of depression...

This too shall pass