Impregnable Reality

I think I forgot that I could vent here - or maybe I have just been too caught up in the mundane - the in and out of it all - that I have been lulled into this constant way of being.
I forget that I can be outside of that existence - that I can take refuge on this page to search deeper into life than most physical spaces allow.

But I am back - for a short while - to vent about the experiences that have molded me into who I stand to be in this moment - remember, time is always changing and so am I:

It's a peculiar phenomenon that I have discovered I am tied up in - the idea of being wanted, the feeling of being desired and the life that I can create around all of it.
But more and more I am beginning to realize how empty all of that is. I am beginning to feel how flimsy of a foundation I am building when I rely on others for that particular feeling.

I started out this summer with the intention of 'being alone' because i really saw that weakness and how it had affected my life after i broke up with Kurt....but it seems that as much as i was trying to move away from it - i was only being pulled, more strongly, back into it. '
It's not that I have developed any real committed relationships - but these mini-relationships....which I call dating - that don't involve the verbal commitment or promise of future like the 'real relationships' that I was having before but still seem to always involve the same intensity and emotion that I put into the real ones.
I feel caught in this obstinate, perennial, tenacious cycle of misunderstanding...trapped inside my own bullshit yet continually perplexed by it each time it lands in my lap as if I have never seen something like it before.
I am a fool for punishment - repetitive teachings apparently do not affect me in such a way to promote a change - but only cause me to look at myself as deeply damaged and unable to rise out of the wreckage...a continual degradation of my ego.

It's an incompleteness within myself - a fear of missing out on some kind of experience - afraid of not always being challenged because challenging myself is how I have become who I am today - I have proven this to myself by taking on relationship with people that I am in no way attracted to - that I would never consider for an actual relationship - but I justify my involvement with them by claiming that I am seeking to grow and be educated --- but it's most likely just my own ploy to get that feeling that i am addicted to - and to feel that i am worthy, wanted, needed and human.

There are other ways, though. So many other people are experiencing life in ways different than me and are, quite possibly, getting more out of it!
The question is, then: How do I shift out of this cycle? How do I detach and change this behavior? Obviously acknowledging it has not worked....so what now?