A Moment of Clarity

The mood swings that I go through are quite crazy - my entry on Sunday was a result of a breakdown that I had in front of Kurt just before writing the blog...it's crazy for me to read it now and really listen to what I am saying...

I go through these periods where I feel weak and I give into the weakness...I break down and cry in front of Kurt, but for what reason? I know that nothing will be given in return, so why do I go there?
I guess I feel like I can work stuff out around that issue by talking it out with him...but I can't. The more and more that I try the more I realize how it's not working for me. I actually feel worse afterwards because I don't get any kind of response from him except for a blank, unfeeling stare. I don't blame the guy...I really don't.

In these moments of clarity, however, I realize how it's getting better over here...I mean, yeah..I miss the hell out of him and I still love him so much - but you can only cling on to an idea for so long by yourself...without support from the environment...and especially him...I feel that the intensity of all of this is starting to dwindle.
I remind myself of all of the great things that I am learning about myself through this experience. Not being with Kurt has opened me up to all of these new things. Of course being with him would probably open me up to other great and new things...but the point is that not being with him has not chronically injured me...I'm still alive and thriving and learning...and being...

In my moments of desperation where I see the world as this big, ugly place that is scary without him there to share the experiences with me I am stuck...but, more and more these moments have become less and less....and I guess that's promising.

I can't guarantee that I will feel this way tomorrow...or even five minutes from now....but it's how I feel right now - and I feel pretty good about it...