Life by the Second and the Intensity of Missing Love

What an interesting weekend it was...
It's funny how life occurs when you least expect it...the things that happen...a chain of events...

April was supposed to come down this weekend from Cedar Rapids but she got terribly ill on Thursday and never made it down...and so it was another weekend where I was left to fend for myself - yet somehow, everything took care of itself.
It's like the world shifted...everything fell into place - and here I am....
Had April not come down with her sickness...my life would be completely different at this moment...
The same is true had I not gotten out of bed at 8:46 this morning....
It just shows how significant every nanosecond of every day really is.

I'm pre-menstrual - which explains many of the emotions that I am experiencing these past few days....but I realize, by the same token, that I cannot just pass everything off on that fact.

I have been having these waves of emotions every time that I see Kurt...and it's hard for me to talk about it here because I know he is going to be reading this...so, Kurt...read no further if you aren't ready to hear some things.....

Anyway - these waves of emotion are hard to describe exactly...they are, for the most part, so intense that my eyes fill with tears and I shake....Everytime I look at him I feel it - it's less when I think about him...and so I try not to think about him...and I can't help but look at him.
I can't completely touch the emotion - it's too intense, too deep and too much to handle all at once.
When he speaks I feel weak...and I cling to his words and I repeat them in my head - so I can hear his voice for a few more seconds...
What is all of this about? Where is all of this coming from? Where will all of it go?

I long to run my fingertips over his skin...to see if it feels like I imagine...
And I want to stare into his eyes - and collect the emotion that is firing through me and pass it through to him.

I don't anticipate that these emotions will ever go anywhere but around and around inside of me...I don't expect that these emotions will ever be returned in any way....but they are still there...

I feel a deep sense of loss...a lacking in stability and clarity...the world seems too large for me now without his companionship to help make sense of everything.

And I know that this will pass...or, at the very least will eventually be pushed down deep enough so that the emotion only whispers and no longer screams in my ears...but there is no denying that it is here now....and that I am in no rush to make it go away...