After much consideration and pondering I think I have come to terms about something that has happened with me this week...however, I will use this space as a way to really work it out in the physical realm and see if it works...comments and suggestions are welcome --> (see bottom of entry)
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Although it is true that I am 'dating' people...the relationships are meaningless...it's funny, really, because I didn't think that I was capable of having relationships that didn't involve some kind of 'deep emotional connection' (I think I over used that phrase long ago...)
Anyway...
The relationships are this way for many reasons...I will list them:
1) I kind of made this pact with April that we will be single for the summer so that we can just spend all of our time with each other and have a blast
2) I am moving in just a few months and don't want to have any reasons to hold me back from where I plan to be
3) I am holding out for what might be...
Those are the top three reasons, anyway...
So...that's that...
But, you see, it's a part of my personality to have relationships with men...whatever kind they may be - I used to always take it to the level of 'committed relationship' but, as I said above, that's just not where I should be right now in my life...
This is a major change for me, you must realize!...and at first it was very difficult for me to do!...okay, who am I kidding here? It still is!!
I have recently come to terms with this for one major reason...everytime time that I hear about Kurt wanting to date someone I get some intense feelings around the whole thing. And I think to myself, 'you are dating other people...he is dating other people...let it be'...but, you see, it's just not like that, really. I mean, I'm dating other people as flings..I'm not attaching any real emotion and I'm not considering things for long term....HE IS...he even said to me, "I want a relationship, I have been alone for 20 years of my life...I want to be with someone"....So when I hear that he is trying to be with someone...I feel like I am losing out...I don't know really I guess..there are so many emotions wrapped around the whole thing...but I have definitely come to terms with that being one of them...
It's only natural for me to react to him wanting to be with other people with feelings of being hurt, right? I mean, natural for someone in the position that I am in...
I guess I look at it like I am just temporarily filling in the blanks and so I'm not really scrutinizing each individual that comes along...but he's looking for long term...and so when I analyze the people he is choosing to try and be with...I make it personal
Ahh, what am I saying really?
It's just going to be hard for me to be with at first - but if/when he does start to date someone then I am sure I will adapt quickly - there are always initial feelings..but I'm a reasonable and rational person and I know my place...
BTW - I had some great conversations tonight!
Shout out to April!! (I love you!) She and I talked for close to three hours...I love her, we really have nothing specific to talk about but we always seem to find something...and the only excuse I could find to get off the phone was.........I can't even remember...something lame like wanting to check out tanning minutes...there's just always something to say to her!
And I had a great talk with someone else tonight...just catching up and what not...those conversations are always good...so, thank you for that.
A good day for me...and now time for some rest...
*Please sending healing and loving thoughts to my Aunt Candi in Maine who is struggling with some heart issues right now and Roxanne, who is having some health concerns as well* - thank you!
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