Break Through

Ok - I think I have finally figured it out - it took a drunken night - some heated conversation and a few tears to get there - but it makes sense now....amazingly...

When you're with someone for two and a half years in a serious relationship I think it is only 'natural' to have some attachment to that person when it is 'over'....depending on how it ended of course and on what side of the end you were on...but anyway - you know what I mean...

So, the thing is...MOST people break up and don't have to see their ex that often...maybe at a bar - or in passing on the road...but not at work...and I bet for most people they aren't faced with the question 'are you guys going to get back together?' EVERY day...from people that you were mutually friends with....and EVERY one that they associate with doesn't know the history of the relationship from both angles....or maybe other people do have these circumstances - and I bet those people are the ones who respond similarly to me...meaning - it's hard to let it go when it's in your face every where you turn...

I have no reason to have anger toward Kurt...although he's been giving me a few good reasons lately - I just can't hold on to anything for too long....and he's not an asshole - never will be...if anything his raw honesty attracts me even more!....it's crazy, but I have determined that it's because he's so accessible..

With Adam - it was the end and it was easy because he lived in Wayland and I couldn't just go over that way...Manish moved to Des Moines, Joe went into the Army....yeah, that about covers it....but Kurt...there he is, at Econofoods....trying to be friends with my best friend....hanging around the same places that I do....talking to the same people that I do....he's just always there - and so when I am not around those people and situations...I don't think about him at all...he doesn't really cross my mind that often...but when he's there - there's this rush of feeling...and it's old stuff - I know....I know we aren't ever going to work out....but it's still hard to put the old stuff away.

So the question is now....what do I do about that? - I guess I'm just going to have to go with it until it's easy again...
I want more than anything to be able to just be friends - to be able to hang out with him and not have any bullshit - but I am having a hard time at the moment - and no matter what I say to him he responds to me like I am invading his space or annoying him - because he's got some anger toward me for hurting him (understandable) - time, right? This stuff just takes time....
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BTW - Kick ass weekend....met up with some people I haven't seen for awhile!! (as in Soph in high school)
And funny shit - brought some people over to my parents last night at like, 3 for a dip in the hot tub.............NO FUCKING WATER! LOL We were all naked and shivering in our towels and the fucking tub was empty....party foul...

Haha - we made up for it though - drinking games always save the night!

Anyway - if you don't hear from me in great detail for awhile I apologize - Working 80 hrs the next two weeks....ACK!

Take care...