More on this and that

I think it's time that I had this conversation with myself...:

There comes a point where the definition of relationships changes -- at what age? hmm...no idea there...i suppose it's different for everyone depending on 'maturity level' as well as 'level of emotional involvement'...
What do I mean by the definition of relationships changing?

I think of it this way...
In elementary school, middle school and even into high school there are essentially three kinds of relationships to have between opposite sexes:
1. Dating = Committed Relationship
2. Not dating = just friends
3. Fuck buddies
These were the easy relationships to follow...I mean, you were either with someone or not...and there really wasn't much else to worry about unless you ventured into that fuck buddies thing and then things might get a little sketchy - but the definition of that kind of relationship is pretty clear just by the name...

So - that was then...NOW...now the defintions have changed!

I guess it's after high school that there become about 20 billion other kinds of relationships to throw in the mix
You've still got dating and non-dating and fuck buddies...but then there is
*dating unexclusively
*dating exclusively - but not necessarily committed
*fucking with some emotional attachment
*fucking - dating - unexclusive
....i could keep going and going with these...they get so complicated
WHY?
I want so much for things to be easy again - either we are together or not...I mean, I put so much goddamn emotion into things and I don't know if I can really handle this not dating exclusively but expecting play shit....how can people really do that? i feel so heartless when i think of relationships like that -- i don't want them - and i know....then i don't have to have them..but then i DO want them and there are others who want to date me and have that kind of definition and expect me to be cool with that - and I want to be cool with that - but then I get all twisted emotionally and all attached like an asshole and get hurt...

Is this just a learning process? Can anyone tell me? Has anyone been here before? In this transition period where relationships have shifted into this new dimension that doesn't match the feelings and the behaviors that have always been associated with the other kinds of relationships...is this about patience again? haha...about me just going with the flow and not getting so twisted up in how i feel right now?

I just want to scream - CHILL OUT - at myself...but honestly, even that doesn't work...I am so impulsive!

Anyway - this relationship confusion thing is a lot to handle on top of still working on getting over or past the relationship that i have been so attached to for the past 2 and a half years.

Speaking of that - that is driving me crazy here lately...
He is avoiding me at every angle and I can't figure out why - I actually got ahold of him tonight and asked him why...but even he couldn't clear that up for me...he said that he just decided he doesn't want the arguments and conversations in his life anymore and so he is cutting me off...but when i said that it didn't have to be about arguments anymore and we could work on not having it be about that because I think it is worth it to have each other around at least for a little part of the other's life...he said, basically, i don't want to try...
He says that he hates the way that I have acted for the past two months - the things I have said and the things that I have done...
He is talking, of course, about my attitude around his attempt to have a relationship with someone else and the way i acted when he called me a slut or accused me of things that just weren't true....
So...he doesn't like how I have defended myself for the past two months...I don't think that any kind of behavior would have been appropriate for him though...I mean, if I would have acted cooler and maybe not got so jealous about his 'other girl' - and not acted self-righteous...and cocky - and bitchy...then how would i have acted...completely okay with it all? and then he would have accused me of not caring - I was trying to show that I cared...that was the only way that I could think of to show that I cared...while keeping some of my pride...
I wish he could put himself in my shoes...and understand maybe how he would have acted if he were me....

And he keeps saying to me..."You broke up with me, get over it..."
Hmm...I guess that's how he makes himself feel better about the way things are going - blaming me for making it over and so I shouldn't have a problem with it????
Actually - to correct his statement here...although I can't say it to him: I suggested that we break up - he agreed (yeah because he thought he couldn't sway me any other way) - and THEN..when I wanted to try to work things out in a more committed way -- he rejected me and didn't want to get back together...so...hey you, get over THAT...

ARGH

Anyway - I'm all fucked up today...emotion emotion emotion