I Follow and Supress

A few nights ago - while Chris and I were laying in his bed talking about life...I thought to myself, "I wonder how this will end?" - So I say it outloud.... He says..."Don't think about how, just know that it will." Then...after a few seconds of pondering he says, "Maybe you should think of it this way, 'What is an end, what is a beginning? Will it end, did it ever begin?' "
That statement went pretty deep...
What's more interesting, though...is that it has 'ended'...just a week after my thought

Chris always told me, since day one, that he is caught up in his ex...and that if she came back, he would, despite his repeated denouncement of anything for her, probably get back with her...because it's comfortable, stable and something to cling to within all of his attachment issues...
She came back last Monday...

So here I am...I know my place - He doesn't even have to say anything - I'm not calling anymore, and neither will he...until he's done with it...
It's sad really - that he is so caught up in whatever that is and he will sacrifice whatever we were...but in all actuality - I understand...and I always understood - I guess that's why it is so easy to let this go.

Chris was a passing - a glimmer that I needed - but his job is done...
I understand what was and what wasn't...and that is that...

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It's within experiences like that and thoughts like this that I want to go back in time - to just a few months ago...and change the way that things went in that time...
Hindsight is 20/20....
I am beginning to fully grasp now what I have lost - what was and what may never be again...
I fell into what I knew I would do...supress by blocking with other things...
My suppression can only last so long though - and so it is after experiences like the one with Chris that I am exposed to so much feeling that I am overwhelmed - and as I sit here and type all I can think of are your shining blue eyes...and the way your hands felt in mine...
I've been locked away in my head - playing a part that I thought I was supposed to play - following the motions that let me get by with as little feeling as possible...
These tears burn my cheeks like I know I burned you...
But things can never be the same...

And life carries on and on and on