Safe Space

I need the space to say this...and if I say it to whom it is intended I know it will all land wrong. So I will say it here - where it is safe:

I am over flowing with an emotion I can't put a word to. Maybe it's anger or maybe jealousy...but that isn't it at all...no, there really isn't a word.

You see, I don't understand why you said to me that you think it is me that will move on quickly. Were you looking for permission to keep on doing what you are doing? Were you looking for a reason to feel good about what you have been pursuing for the past month?

I have experienced relationships in the past and I know how I (and most other people) operate after a break-up...especially when there is anger....the only way that you will be able to get over me and really be able to have fufilling relationships is to take time to face and process the feelings that you have right now.
You have so much anger and jealousy that you don't want to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame you...it's hard to take a critical look at your own bullshit...but it's worth it.
It feels like you are 'getting over me' when you move on to someone else so quickly...that's why I have done it in the past. But all you are really doing is either supressing or reflecting feelings onto someone else. Someone else is blocking the feelings that you are feeling for me...and it feels good to not have to deal with them...doesn't it?

Well, sorry, you're not getting off easy on this one...because I have learned my lessons of the past and I am not moving on...I am not going to jump into something with someone else just to overshadow the raw emotion that I feel with you.

I have come to terms for the most part with the fact that we aren't going to work...there is too much there that we both have to let go of. On your end it is your anger and jealousy that you made me promise that I wouldn't hold against you. But I guess the tables don't turn the other way. And I also find it interesting that you want to use my cheating on you two and a half years ago (the same incident that you told me you forgave and that we would never bring up again) against me now....
On my end it is letting go of things that you have said and done within the past month. And the opinions and judgments that I have of you now, now that I have seen some things about you that I didn't know before...

I was at the bar last night and I realized, as I looked at all of the available men, that I don't want to be with any of them. It sounds good to me to be single and focus on me. It sounds good to me to work on building up me...I don't want to build up a new relationship....I am still learning my lessons from what you and I have been doing for the past two and a half years.

I've been there - I know how exciting it is to think you have found someone special after you just ended a relationship. It's easy to build up what we had as negative...to see me as something that I am not. I understand that is what you are doing right now - i'm the 'ex-wife' - i'm the 'other' - i'm 'old news' - 'a story of the past' - isn't it fun to pass me off like that? isn't it fun to think about holding someone else with a new shape to fit into you? isn't it fun to think about experiencing all of the firsts again - first kiss, first i love you, first whateverelse...isn't it fun?

i guess i'm just not ready for that yet. i would rather think about our first kiss - the night on the bridge, the smell of your leather coat, the taste of your mouth. I would rather think about making love under the stars...laying on that blanket - feeling your body against mine for the first time. I would rather think about sitting in your driveway and telling you that I love you...walking our dog...touching your soapy body in the shower, the way your hold your mouth when you sleep, the way you looked at me when we made love....the feel of you being there, looking at our reflection as we stand in each other's arms....
that's what i need right now - to remember, to let go, to forgive.....