Get

I just don't get it - and I can't even find the words to say what I need to say here and now...

A part of me just wants to get away from it all - there are parts that are too painful to go back to - and the more that we talk about it and the more that we get into it - the more complicated it gets inside of me and the harder it is for me to keep at it
But the other part of me - the larger part - wants to get so close - so close that it hurts so good...that part of me wants to just try again - again and again and again - that part of me wants to take you in my arms and make it all go away - reverse, forgive, let go -- and be...

My whole life has been torn apart through all of this - that should prove that it wasn't done with ease -- I don't even know who my friends are anymore - I don't even feel comfortable with the people that I at one time put everything in to....and so I go in search of new friends, new things -- to get past those that hurt...or at least so that there is not so much attention devoted to the painful relationships...

I miss the life that I had before - I miss how everything fit and felt that it was where it should be - I miss how right it felt to know that you were there and she was there...and believing so whole-heartedly that it would never change...that it could never change.

The hurtful things you say make it easier to detach -- but I don't want to keep pushing you away and I don't want you to keep pushing me away -- I want to get close, I want to get so fucking close that we can't get any closer -- I want to feel your every emotion as part of me -- I want you to feel mine...why can't we get there anymore? Why can't we find that space for each other?

I fear there are no answers...

I have to go now...