*UPDATE*

I am sorry that it has been quite some time since I have blogged...Life has been interesting lately and I guess I haven't been ready to talk about it until now...

A lot has happened since the last post and so I will organize this blog into parts to keep it all straight.

Birthday Bash:
Since we last "talked" I have turned 21. Exciting? Yeh...I guess...I have never been one to really care about age and the fact that I can legally drink now isn't really all that exciting to me...just another reason to waste money.
My 21st birthday was pretty uneventful...no one that I have direct contact with at the Philly Center here knew it was my birthday and so I spent most of the day feeling sorry for myself that I had not developed deep connections with people so that they would know it was my birthday.
Kurt's departure did not help to elevate my mood any...or the two heavy vodka tonics that he bought me at lunchtime... (I'll get to the visit in a minute)
Basically, my 21st was a cop-out...I cried for quite sometime...cried because Kurt was gone and I wasn't sure how I felt about him anymore and also because I felt so disconnected from everyone in the world on that day.
You know, when you are young you picture life looking a certain way when you get to be older. When I saw myself as a 21 year old I saw this developed, strong, powerful woman who was surrounded by several friends and seemed to have it good in the world. On October 11th of this year, I definitely wasn't fitting that bill. So I moped.
I did have a really nice dinner with Kiki (my aunt), though. She took me out for a b-day dinner and bought me some drinks. I had a vodka tonic, a cosmopolitan, a chocolate martini and a white chocolate martini...two of the four drinks were free! That was fun....at least I got buzzed on my birthday!

Kurt's visit:
I was graced with Kurt's presence on October 7th. He arrived late into the evening and shared a really nice dinner with my aunt, uncle and I. He seemed to be happy with where he was and very happy to see me. However, I had thoughts of a conversation that I knew I was going to be unable to avoid having with him while he was here looming in my head.
I wanted so much to be able to push how I was feeling out of my head for awhile so that he could enjoy his visit with me...and so that I could enjoy my visit with him....but I can't hide how I feel.
And so, the second night that he was here...I told him that I was not sure if I wanted to be with him anymore. I didn't say that directly but that is basically what it came to.
Things have changed for me since I have been here in Philly. It's hard to put my finger on it...but basically I have this new take on life. I see myself as being a different person than who I was when I was in Iowa. I feel that the city lends me so many more opportunities and I see the world as a much bigger place.
My feelings have led to me reconsider what I want with Kurt. I am not so sure if my future includes him anymore...and I don't know if his future includes me.
At the end of it all, however, we just agreed not to talk as much on the telephone because maybe we had been smothering each other in the relationship.
There is no way that I can recount all that was said and give you a clear idea about what really went on between us because there are so many dynamics to the whole thing...but, basically, we decided to cool our jets.

Since Kurt has gone back to Iowa it has just been constant conversation, though. I think it is good for us..but it has not brought me any closer to seeing what our future really holds. I am truly confused about what I want anymore and I am at a loss of what to do.

Life:
My demeanor has changed within the past 3 weeks in a way that I am not so outward about who I am. I feel like I have lost some of my power in this world. I feel powerless especially in that I don't feel like I can control my own emotions.
I feel like I need to be on my own....I feel that I need to be held accountable for all that I am and I need to take responsibility for all that I do and I feel that the only way I can do that is by not being attached to anyone. Is that right, though? How do I really know?

April:
It's hard for me to fully express what April has meant to me for the past 4 years of my life, but I feel that I need to acknowledge her awesomeness. April, you are the most amazing person that I know.
And you will be here in just 7 full days from now! YAY

Conclusion:
I suppose that is all I can offer to all of you out there in the cyber world right now.
Thank you all so much for keeping yourselves updated about my life. I hope you continue to visit....I will try to be more regular...

Until then....