This is all just craziness, I realize. I mean...I asked for it. I chose to come out here, I chose to live with my aunt and uncle, I chose to be who I am....didn't I?
I'm confused right now...lonely mostly. It's friday night and I am typing some sad, pathetic entry into this computer to occupy my mind. To keep me from being so down on myself for not having someone to just hang out with and be with. Human contact...right now...that's all I want.
I went to Chili's tonight....by myself...this afternoon actually. I was so scared to go. I mean, I am pathetic, but I was afraid of being judged by people there because I was alone. I was imagining people looking at me and saying to themselves or their friends, "Look at that chick by herself. That fat one, over in the corner." And then they would look, and pity me for being by myself and having no friends.
I decided to look busy.. I brought some homework and read.. but then I am sure they all just thought of me as more pathetic because I was alone and doing homework.
Anyway...when I walked in the door the hostess stared at me...exactly what I was afraid of...she gave me this look like, "Where is everyone else?" And so I said, "Just me..." *nervous laugh*
She didn't flinch...but I could hear her thoughts..."fat chick by herself...how sad" -- So I made sure to order a salad...to prove that I was aware of my obesity...
It's become a real issue lately. I have a severe inferiority complex around my weight. It doesn't help that I have been doing this south beach thing for almost a month...no, more than a month...and I've only lost 10 pounds.
I ate a cookie tonight when I was babysitting...and I wanted to make myself vomit. I rationalized that I could have one cookie because I have been so good lately...but after I ate the cookie I wanted to vomit it back out so bad! I had to sit there, shaking my leg....
Wow, I sound so pathetic. This is really baring my soul....but I am so fucking tired of being fat. I am so tired of getting up in the morning and being disgusted at what I see in the miror. I am so tired of being afraid to meet new people because I know that they are just pre-judging me based on my weight.
It's really beginning to affect my life in a bad way...I need help with this. I need to lose weight. Now.
A Rare Perspective
It's all a blur
Me: 6.7.08
Dave Matthews Band Concert
Smiling Sarah
Recent Pic
Just me...
1 comment:
Sporty i know exactly how you feel! But don't worry, you are awesome and there is so much more to a person than how they look. those chili's people were probably saying "wow that girl is a brainiac, i wish i was that disciplined." And you lost 10 pounds!! that's kick ass. It's not like you needed to lose any weight, but still, i would love to lose that much. Really though, you rock! And think of how much you are learning and growing by going through the tough stuff. I know it sounds really really cheesy, but we are all a work in progress, doing the best we can with what we are given. and that's the most we can expect of ourselves and other people! (wow, that's even more cheesy typed out!)
~Abbay
Post a Comment