Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to my last blog! You are all beautiful souls...

The interesting thing is that I know what you say. I realize what you say, I am conscious of my meaningless conversations and my own ability to change my perception of my actions, especially in relation to others.
But I have to admit, sometimes I find pleasure in wallowing...and, yes Kari-Ann..I create to feel like there is something there...
I think I set myself up in that last blog for that. I mean, isn't it clear that I was down and out about not having anyone to hang out with...it would only sufficiently follow that I have some breakdown about my weight...I think I would have questioned my humanity if I hadn't done so.

Anyway...I'm still fat. I cheated on my diet today and I gave myself reason to hate my fat again...I think I'm enjoying this


I am even more conscious of it when people point of how I am not though. With crap like....you're just heavy set...mmhmm...or but you're face is so beautiful....mmhmmm. I wish someone could just say to me, "Yeah, you're fat...so shut up about it already unless you're going to do something about it!"
But the reality around that is that I would have an even bigger mental breakdown because of that comment and I would probably develop some eating disorder or something because I would feel so incompetent and undeserving....wow, this is getting really good..

But honestly, I am still searching for validation within myself. I am still waiting for me to give myself permission to let go of the fat. I think life must be easier being fat...I mean, I've never been skinny (by any definition of that word)...but I think that if I were skinny I would be like a lot of other thin women who obesess about their thinness....and I haven't decided yet what is worse....to be fat or to obsess about getting fat...

I have just one more thing to say:

Lindor Chocolate

Filling

Creamy and white

Endorphinous pleasure

Stuck inside

Pillow soft
Protected
Perfect the way you are

Feels so good
Melts in my mouth
Drunk in it
One more...

Not me
Lies about what it is like
Changed
To be me